By: Julius

"You know what? This thing right here, this is the main reason why loving is so goddamn hard!". Familiar? I got that phrase from Hitch. Yung si Will Smith yung bida and he make someone, particularly men, have chance to be at "the game", for them to be noticed by the woman they adore by Will carefully studying about the girl and give the man advice on how to make that woman crazy for his client. Ever since I watched that movie I learnt that love is a game. Different kind of love we say can be different games. Sometimes we bet. We lose, we win, we gamble for hopes that we get our prize. And so I realized as well that there's just one thing na mali on how we treat love or how we play the game.

Hi, nagbabalik muli, Julius, yung TL na taga Cubao na nagshare about my Uber experience with Ramil. Ang saya ko pag nagsusulat para sa inyo. Also, palagi ako bumibisita sa page to follow up if napost na yung first na sinubmit ko about samin ni Ramil. Check, we're still good. Ramil is very supportive. We had enough of sex and nung sinusulat ko yung experience ko nung 19 years old ako it came to the point na namiss ko yung sarili ko noon. Now Ramil looks at me and he feels like I changed a little bit, changed for the better of course. Kase mga nakaraang araw, we drown ourselves too much with our cum (sorry). Pero ngayon we're more of deep conversations kaya marami na akong alam sa kanya and siya sakin. Hindi lang yung ASL at haba at laki ng alaga ng isa't isa. Hahaha. So ayun feel niya nagmature ako and mas naging sincere. Yung dating 6 rounds overnight napalitan ng cuddling.. Silence.. Feel lang namin yung presence nung isa't isa. I think Ramil and I, though we met by lust, there's a chance that this will turn to true love. Wala naman masamang mangarap diba? Old school po pasensyahan niyo na. Anyway, nakarating na rin ako sa bahay niya. It's good and like partners he wants me to move in. May sasakyan naman daw kaya maihahatid niya ako kahit saan then saka siya mag-UUber ulit. Nako pag nagda-drive siya para sa pasahero niya, naalala daw niya yung ginawa niya sakin, pero hinding hindi na daw niya uulitin at yung pagpapacar wash noon eh sobrang awkward daw. Hahaha. Basahin niyo po Uber extra service if you want to catch up with this recent na pinagkekwento ko about my life. So, going back to my 19 year old self. It was tough being exposed to people who have lots of experience since ako eh sobrang inosente at tanga pa. Sa sms ni Darwin, he just told he'll be telling something important. We had a good eat out, with Berna and Evangeline in charged for the fun. Hindi pa rin ok sakin na ganun na nakapagsabi ako kay Darwin ng dahilan na hindi totoo para hindi sumama, just to be caught red handed at sila pala yung tinutukoy ni Marc na kasama sa eat out. Masama, sabi ko may ka-date ako. Though parents ang pagkakasabi ko, he did interpret it as si Marc yung pinepertain ko. Nalaman ko rin mula sa kanya sa mga paguusap namin noon.
Then ayun na nga, natapos na yung kainan namin. Just as I said from previous part na hindi ako kakain ng madami, hindi talaga ako kumain ng madami, para ma-justify ko na din yung mga nasabi ko. Balak pa nila magstay to try the videoke bar near the place ako naman sabi ko aalis na ko.

Darwin: hatid na kita pabalik.
Ako: don't bother
Darwin: kaya mo na?
Ako: actually.. Where are we by the way? Marc, you never told me where this place is, how am I supposed to get home?
Marc: ah, dito pa din to sa Cubao. Naglakad lang naman tayo papunta dito eh.
Ako: medyo malayo. Not sure if I can recall the way back to the office building..
Darwin: kaya nga tara na. Hanggang sa building lang naman kita sasamahan.
Berna: go na ateng, ang bagal niyo alis kung aalis.
Ako: sure

Hindi talaga ako magaling sa lugar dati. Walang sense of direction. Madaling maligaw at walang lakas ng loob magtanong sa mga istambay kaya madalas magpasundo. So Darwin and I walked out.

Ako: make sure sa tamang building mo ako ihahatid ah.
Darwin: yeah yeah..
Konting katahimikan pa ay nagsalita si Darwin.
Darwin: so, I know you're already aware of that message I sent you.
Ako: yes. (straightforward and hindi ako tumitingin sa kanya)
Darwin: well, we've been great together during the training, we're still on training kaya if you just feel obliged na tulungan ako, you have an option to stop.
Ako: that's what I'll get after helping you? Do I not deserve an appreciation? A simple thank you will do.
Darwin: can you not see, everything I've been trying to do is to tell you how grateful I am. It's just you who's not giving a damn.
Ako: if I don't give a damn, hindi na sana kita tinuturuan.. You know, if yan yung kin..
Darwin: that's you being a green on the class. How about treat me like a person? Not a stupid dog you need to train? How will you treat me if for once you consider me a friend? You always elaborate to me the topics I pretend not to understand just so you spend time with me but you never answered any personal questions. I want to know you better.
Ako: first of all, I don't think dogs are stupid. See, dun pa lang nakakaoffend ka na, how exactly do you expect me to handle all of your stupidity, ikaw na nga ang mas matanda saken? Can you be more considerate? That's what we've been asking from you ever since. Si kuya Marlon suko na sa'yo. I'm not sure if may agenda ka or something sa pagpili mo ng susundin, why me? I don't know you, don't take it personally but throughout my life I know boys who have agenda and from my observation you just fall to that bracket and I'm never gonna deal with those kind of people.
Darwin: I'm trying to prove something.
Ako: ano?
Darwin: that I'm not the stupid guy na nasa first impression mo.
Ako: I don't believe in first impression. You stayed the way you are that's why I set my defenses. And why are you trying to make a point? What am I to you? You said we're not even friends because I'm trying to get rid of you, I never considered you a friend but a co-trainee, why are you trying to prove something?
Darwin: naka-steroids ka ba? O hindi ka lang talaga nakakaramdam?
Ako: antidepressants.
Darwin: I LIKE YOU! You're nothing compared to anyone I know and…
Ako: enough. Why me? Tsaka, are you kidding me? You're a man, why would you like me? Wait.. Oh.. Ok.. Cause I'm different? Is that it? Most of the people who tried to know me found me boring and seek for other people to hang out with. You're just clinging to the idea that someone is different. Everyone is different. And hell, soon as you knew me you'll just end up somewhere else so don't bother, please, make something productive instead of liking me.
Darwin: you are one heartless person aren't you?
Ako: hahaha, exactly.
Darwin: just take care, ok? We'll see you when we see you.
Ako: yeah, bye.

Not sure if it sounds real sa inyo pero yan talaga naging usapan namin while walking towards ministop, I already told someone to fetch me. Sumakay na ako sa sundo ko after maghintay ng 5 minutes sa ministop dahil nasa probinsya si papa kaya yung driver lang namin yung sumundo sakin. May driver pa din ako kahit umalis ako sa bahay to be independent dahil na rin sa ayaw ni papa na mag-commute ako dahil malaki nga ang tendency ko maligaw. Nagbago naman na yun ngayong mas matanda na ko at mas kabisado ko na tong Cubao, nagstart ako magtaxi, hehehhe. So I went and cooked for myself to refresh. Sa isang hotel ako sa Ortigas hinatid ng driver namin dahil doon nagtatrabaho ang isa sa mga ate ko as General Manager. I went to the penthouse to ask for my sister and there she gave me a room so I can stay. Also, she took a break to ask me what happened. While we were eating we had this conversation.

Ate Dina: hey, kamusta?
Ako: I'm not okay.
Ate Dina: do you want to talk about it?
Ako: yeah.
Ate Dina: go ahead.
Ako: so, you know naman about my past suitors right?
Ate Dina: yes.
Ako: so, this time I have another suitor. It's been weeks he started to try to make his intentions clear.
Ate Dina: a "he" again, so, what bracket?
Ako: G.
Ate Dina: *rolled her eyes* And what happened?
Ako: so, he confessed earlier, and I pushed him away. Hindi siya yata convinced, what he just told me is that I'm heartless and then he's looking forward to see me again.
Ate Dina: what do you feel towards the person?
Ako: It's awkward. I enjoy his company though I only do it out of obligation. He enjoys mine as well. But all those beautiful ideas are just overshadowed by his g-ness.
Ate Dina: ok ok. How would you like to proceed then? You want him out of your life or?
Ako: kuntento na ko na nag-eexist lang siya at hindi niya ako iniinis..

Napabugtong hininga na naman si Ate Dina ko kase sa previous suitors ko, halos lahat ay ganito ang sagot ko. Except minsan sa bracket. We use ROYGBIV or rainbow as bracket, Red being the greatest and Violet being the most unworthy. So g as green kase nga sa sexual innuendos ni Darwin which is not so good for a 19 year old virgin Julius.

Ate Dina: well, if he's not good enough then you can ignore him. But to judge him with his past, don't ever do that ok? Past is past, people change. If may alam ka sa past niya na hindi maganda, give him the benefit of the doubt. Baka ikaw lang ang hinihintay niya para magbago siya.
Ako: It's complicated. He only listens to me when we're in the classroom. He's trying to be too close to me that it's already suffocating. He's clearly trying to fit in this tiny heart, if there is any..
Ate Dina: try to open yourself up to other people, and maybe, baka lang ah, maybe you're suffocated because you're trying to breathe underwater. Try to take away all those pressure first before you think or before you breathe so you can have a clear understanding of what chances are there, ok? If there's none, then it's free to reject.

Matalino talaga itong si Ate ko. We're super close and siya lang yata ang laman ng inner circle ko. So ayun. Si Julius nung 19 years old is very distant and conservative, very scared din about exploitation kaya ayaw mag-open up sa iba. So I stayed at the hotel room for the day -for free- dahil na nga rin GM ang ate ko hahaha. I watched different channels, most especially discovery channel just to kill the time. When the driver went up to fetch me and to carry my things, wala nang nasa isip ko kundi si Darwin. From the elevator up to the car while I listen to the funny tandemn sa radio station na pinapakinggan ng driver namin. It was all Darwin. How I help him understand the topic he said he pretend not to understand. Minsan iniisip ko na sasabog na ang ulo ko with overthinking. When I reached my apartment, I checked my phone. I saw that Marc dropped a message and a call but I'm too tired so I went to sleep. Dahil weekend na bukas, wala kaming pasok kinabukasan. Paggising ko ng konti ay may tumutunog na music. Pagdating ng panahon ni Aiza. It was coming from a vehicle outside, I enjoyed it. I'm still half asleep that time. Morning sun rays shows at my room. It was great. Like I haven't slept for so long. Yung sobrang ganda nung moment I almost became ecstatic I can almost hear birds chirping. It was Darwin's image I first thought of that morning. And then unti unti nang nagising ng husto yung diwa ko. Parang ang saya saya ko nung araw na yun na ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko. I took my dictionary and wrote all those description above kaya may reference din ako dun sa nakasulat kung anong feeling nung morning na yun hahaha. So I checked my phone after writing a few notes on my dictionary. I read Marc's sms and he said it was complicated but he needs to tell me something. When I call Marc's number it was his girlfriend who answered.

Ako: hey, you're about to tell me something? I'm so sorry I was very busy yesterday I didn't have time to check my phone.
Marc's gf: yeah, sino 'to pala? This is Lou, Marc's girlfriend.
Ako: oh.. Oh, I'm sorry, where's Marc?
Lou: this is my number, hindi ko alam kung nasan siya eh. Nagpalit na kami ng sim kahapon.
Ako: you have his number?
Lou: sino ka ba?
Ako: ah, Julius, workmate ni Marc
Lou: Jules? Julius?
Ako: Jul-IUS
Lou: may kaworkmate kayong Jules?
Ako: not that I can think of, aside from me. Yun tawag sakin ni Marc? Nakekwento niya kami sa inyo?
Lou: oh yes! Sobrang dalas. Sige bye..

Then there was a weird sound. And Lou's line went off. I didn't try to call the number back since I don't know her. Then kumain na ako. I drowned myself with my books over the weekend. Then time na para pumasok ulit.

By the way, off the story muna tayo. Recently I read many stories in KM up to way back january of 2015. May ibang kwento na ka-ugali ko ang author. Hehehe. Pero just to assure all of you readers, totoo po 'tong mga nangyari sakin. And of course I don't intend to sound like any other person or character from those that I've read. If may similarity then it's all coincidence. Buhay ko naman 'tong kinekwento ko, sadyang may kaugali lang talaga ako. And salute to them!

So ayun balik work na ulit. Sa lobby 8
pa lang ay nagkita na kami agad ni Marc. I approached him and pumunta kami sa couch area. That time medyo deserted yung couch area. He opened up to me and said he broke up with his gf. I told him what happened when I tried to call the number he gave me. Laking gulat ko nung sinabi ko sa kanya na medyo naramdaman ko ngang may konting badtrip na aura yung girlfriend niya and nung tinanong ko kung bakit ay bigla niya akong triny i-kiss. Our faces were about 2 inches apart and i pull myself backward.

Marc: this is why I broke up with her.

Lahat ng dugo ko ay pumunta sa mukha ko.

Ako: you can't possibly have done that because of this. Why???!?
Marc: she's so irrational. We've always been fighting, 4 months na. And then nakilala kita. You're a breath of fresh air. You're awesome and you started to grow on me.
Ako: pero straight ka ah?
Marc: i know. Pero you can't help it if it's your heart's dictation.

Ganito kahirap ang buhay ko nung teenager pa lang ako. Payat, or sabihin nating balingkinitan. Mukhang babae, boses babae, kasing hinhin at pino ng isang babae kumilos. Also, marami na rin akong naging manliligaw dahil sa respeto ko sa sarili ko at sa iba. Pag nakita mo kase ako noon hindi ako maikukumpara sa mga kabataang lgbtq ngayon na gaslaw at hindi pagkapino ang taglay.

So I left Marc on the couch area and headed towards our training room. Buong araw akong walang kinausap either Darwin or Marc. They both annoy me. Nung uwian hindi rin ako sumama sa paninigarilyo. Mga 100ft. na ako away from the building when Darwin caught up to me.

Darwin: hey!
Ako: ano?
Darwin: matamlay ka yata?
Ako: i'm not
Darwin: namumutla ka oh, (hinawakan ni Darwin yung pisngi ko)
Ako: why? Leave me alone ok?

Walang sinabi si Darwin nun pero bigla akong nawalan ng balanse dahilan para saluhin niya ako. Sobrang nanghihina ako nun at lahat yata ng dugo ko ay nasa ulo ko dahilan para sumama ang pakiramdam ko. Inakay ako ni Darwin sa gilid ng daanan at pinaupo ako sa isang wooden bench.

Darwin: Anong nangyayari sa'yo?
Ako: hindi ko alam. Kulang lang yata tulog ko.
Darwin: water?
Ako: sure (ininom ko yung tubig na binigay ni Darwin)
Darwin: you need rest. Do you need help going back to your house?
Ako: don't bother. Andito na mamaya si kuya Pete. (driver namin)
Darwin: ok, hatid na kita sa ministop.
Ako: ok

Pagpunta namin sa ministop ay sobrang tagal kong naghihintay kay kuya Pete ko, then it happened na nagkasabay pala kami ng younger sibling ko na magpasundo kaya nasa university belt si kuya Pete. Bago ako sumakay ng taxi, napansin ni Darwin na sobrang putla ko kahit ng labi ko. Darwin offered to help me get to my apartment and though it's very uncomfortable for me, I agreed dahil alam kong umaatake yung sakit ko due to overthinking. Pagpuntang pagpunta namin sa apartment ko ni Darwin, pumunta na agad ako sa medicine kit ko to get a syringe, tourniquet, cotton, alcohol and yung medicine ko.

Ako: alam mo ba kung pano magturok ng gamot?
Darwin: hala, takot ako jan.
Ako: please? I feel really terrible.
Darwin: baka magkamali ako.
Ako: I just need little help.
Darwin: ok, ok.. Whoooo..

Tinali na ni Darwib yung tourniquet sa braso ko and pinunasan na ng alcohol yung ugat ko. Nung nagbulge na yung ugat, nagprepare na ko ng medicine. Then biggest part, tinurok na ni Darwin yung syringe. Hinawakan ko yung wrist niya para hindi na siya manginig and told him to inject the medicine. Nung natapos kami, nanginginig pa rin si Darwin dahil takot talaga siya sa karayom.

Ako: calm down, and make yourself at home. Maraming salamat.
Darwin: ah.. Ok.. Ang cute mo pala pag mabait ka. Hehehe..
Ako: I'll go to my room, inaantok na ko, side effect eh. If aalis ka na, pa lock na lang ng pinto. Maraming salamat ulit.
Darwin: ok ka na ba talaga?
Ako: not sure.

Hinakawan ni Darwin yung noo ko and binaba niya sa pisngi ko yung kamay niya. Medyo matagal or 2 minutes din kaming nagkatitigan. It was me who broke the ice.

Ako: i should get to sleep.
Darwin: ok.

I settled down to my bed and was ready to close my eyes when Darwin entered with a basin of cold water. Nung binuksan niya yung pinto, nakatingin siya sakin na parang nahihiya siya pumasok.

Darwin: uhmm. Ok lang? Para kasing nilalagnat ka.
Ako: bahala ka.

Darwin took care of me that time. Nakatulog na ako ng may towel sa noo ko and nakakumot ng sobrang kapal. When I woke up several hours later, nasa gilid ko si Darwin. He fell asleep sa upuan na dinala niya sa kwarto. That time I was so confused. I liked that feeling back then. Sobrang hindi ko maintindihan. Part of me wants to give him a chance. Maybe I really just don't open myself up enough to ever know someone with who they really are. Napangiti na lang ako sa sarili ko. Masama pa rin pakiramdam ko pero gumaan ng konti dahil sa naramdaman kong spark na nagpabago sakin sa pananaw ko sa isang tao na hindi ko kinilala. I was lost that time with happy thoughts. Hindi ko namalayan na nakadilat na pala si Darwin.

Darwin: ang cute mo pag nakangiti ka.
Ako: (biglang nagsalubong yung kilay ko dahil sa hiya) it's none of your business.
Darwin: bakit ka nakangiti? Naiinlove ka na sakin no? Ang bait ko kase. Hehehe
Ako: yan ka na naman sa innuendo mo. Kaya walang gustong kasama ka.
Darwin: ay, pagkatapos ko alagaan inaway ako.
Ako: ikaw kasi eh
Darwin: o sige na. Kiss na lang
Ako: shut up. Thanks anyway.
Darwin: You're always welcome. Sana lagi kang may sakit para lagi kang mabait. Hahahaha
Ako: ewan ko sa'yo
Darwin: tsaka lagi kitang inaalagaan. Parang tayo na oh. Ayyiiee
Ako: ewan, out!
Darwin: kiss muna
Ako: not a chance.
Darwin: wee? Nung tulog ka may chance ako nun. Hahha
Aki: whaat?!?!?!?

Tumakbo palabas ng kwarto si Darwin. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa din alam kung yung first kiss ko eh tulog ako.
Itutuloy ko na lamang sa susunod ang kwentong ito. Salamat KM, I was waiting for you to post my story. Two weeks ako naghintay, hehehe.